Why should something that is so obvious be so remarkable to me? While praying yesterday and asking God to help me endure the adoption process and all it's hiccups, complaining that we haven't been matched yet, and a number of other adoption-related requests, I felt this strong statement come to mind, "Jennifer! It's not about you!" My eyes popped open! No, it's not about me. It's about this child (or children) that we will adopt and all the others. What we do is for them. All orphan ministries, all adoptions, all of it. This isn't for me. I'm not supposed to be comfortable in this process. I'm not supposed to feel joy all the time over it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my feelings are inconsequential. In our current culture of acting constantly on our feelings and the bondage associated with that, this statement is freedom! My feelings about this don't matter. I don't have to worry about how I feel about it. It has to be done. It will be done. Oh, sure! I can enjoy the highlights and I'll still feel sadness in the lows, but they will not rule me. They will no longer be the focus of my prayers and I will not let it mar this experience. In fact, in one of my lows, I said to Jim, "I'm not doing this again!" (Meaning the adoption process.) Those are words that I will surely eat one day! : )
I don't know what the rest of this process will look like or what other speed bumps we may encounter, but I do know that God is in control and not my emotions!!